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I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Sean was better as of Saturday afternoonish, but as a joke on me, Christian woke up in the middle of Sunday night with a fever. He's pretty much recovered as of today...but I'm not. I'm a little tired and shut down. I can't imagine life without my babies, but sometimes I just feel too young for this. People generally take that as a joke when I say it in my exasperated, can you believe it tone of voice but...sometimes it's really the way I feel. Because maybe, if I were older by a few years, I'd have a little more patience with the constant neediness...maybe I'd know just a little bit better how to remember that a 100 temperature is not that high, as the advice nurse felt she needed to point out. Ok, sorry. It seemed high to me and to my miserable baby.
And I get so...homesick for Neil. That sounds funny, but sometimes it just hits me. I was rocking Alex to sleep and watching Under the Tuscan Sun...I got to that scene were Diane (I can't remember her movie name) meets Marcello and they get lost in each other...laughing and walking on the beach and spending hours just being...we never have time to do that. We have minutes, when we're lucky. Even at that particular moment I was trying to get Chtoristian to sleep and he was with Sean...which is all good and needed and we are so in love with our kids...but sometimes I feel like we're in separate rooms more than in the same one. And I know that relationships - especially marriages- have to be built on more than that...on the faith and commitment part...but I miss the having your own little world part. The moments that make you remember that you're in love and are so lucky to be spending your life with your best friend.
I know that this is a phase...and the good thing is that we want to be together more...and the kids will only be this age once...I know all those things.
Some days it's just hard.