Haz-Mat

People, they do not warn you about this stuff in 'what to expecting when expecting' books.
Let me tell you about a little thing called a stomach virus.
There has been vomiting. Not with the coughing, choking noise that signals danger so that you can carry your child and hold them over the toilet/bathtub/trash can/Dad's shoes. No...it's more of the 'hmmm...let's check on Sean 'cause he's quiet' variety and there, before his perfectly calm figure, is a huge orange, textured, puddle. Puts me in mind of shag carpeting. We're keeping score on the carpet stains-poop vs puke. I bought this new Resolve stuff yesterday that even comes with its own brush-so come on, it's gotta' work- and no. Definite fading, but how do you de-colorize carpet??? So, at last check, there were two huge puke stains and one nice spotted, trailing poop stain. Which is simply a darker shade of orange than the others.
Which brings me to the poop. I'm surprised that my hands have any remaining skin, as much as I've had to wash them...this stuff is toxic. I'm talkin' one little spurt, and you're considering just trading the kid in for a new model 'cause that little behind is NEVER going to smell clean again...and the worst part is that it's pure liquid. It looks exactly like something people are forced to drink on Fear Factor. The Pull-Ups Runneth Over....yeah. Why hasn't someone invented Diaper Reinforcements for diarrhea? Something like a period pad or the little slidy thing you put under a George Forman Grill to catch the grease. Anything to help prevent the 'ok, just put him in the bathtub' diaper changes and Good Lord, catch Christian before he crawls in Sean's wake.
And sleep is disrupted by most definitely necessary changes...which prompted him this morning at 2 am, to lean forward and give me a little kiss on the lips and to swing his little arm in his odd cheer and say 'Let's GO!'- the phrase I love that he says when he gets up in the morning...it signals - hey, playtime. Awake time. Drink juice time. Anything but sleepy time...2 am. 2 AM. Is there NOT a sleeping pill meant for two year olds?
And in the midst of all this on Thursday morning, the healthy Christian woke up at 5:45 and as I fixed him his morning milk, peed all over me and the kitchen floor.
When I am old and they have to take care of me, I swear I'm going to completely stop controlling my bowels.