Back To Reality

Oh, the pain of keeping schedules, making beds, obligations to act responsibly and productively!
Oh, the shameful waste of sunshine to be sitting here in an office instead of on warm sand or a quiet deck!
Oh, the sorrow of leaving Christian and Sean in daycare instead of going on adventures down the beach and to the aquarium and watching boats and feeding birds and eating birthday cake and falling asleep cuddling, breathing in their sunscreen-scented skin!
Oh, the agony of wearing shoes and full outfits of clothing!


Oh, how I truly miss thee, Vacation!


Yep. I enjoyed my weekend at the beach.

Happy Weekend!

After work, I will be heading down to Atlantic Beach with Neil and the boys. This is our first family vacation since 2004, so I'm super excited. I'm looking forward to sand castles, spectacular sunsets, long walks, and the sound of waves crashing. I love the ocean in all its moods and majesty - to me, it fully reflects the might and beauty of God.
So I won't blog again until Wednesday...but I'm pretty sure I'll have fun stories to share with you. After all, hanging out on the beach with a one year old and a three year old is guaranteed to bring some sort of adventure...
Hope your weekend is relaxing! Later, ya'll.

Ode to Coffee (or love song for a bean)

You are the reason I can get up every morning. I hear babies stirring and though I want to bury my head under the covers and go back to sleep, I remember you will be there and so I get up, care for my children, and reward myself with time for you.


You, o precious java, have been there for me countless times through the years - by my side as I've crammed for exams, a muse when creativity fails, a sweet member in my circle of friends. Everywhere I've gone, there you have gone with me. On walks by the river, on roadtrips through mountains, in my office, in malls, in homes - your presence I can depend on. Thanks for the memories, enchanting joe( and for all the pet names you put up with).


You let me dress you up however I please - in the curve of a purple mug, in a tiny china cup, and you don't even complain when all I can offer you is plain styrofoam. And you never, ever care about how I look.


Your love is steady, and yet never boring or stale. You romance me with intriguing changes - a shot of mocha here, a dollop of caramel there...you allure me with your complex personality of bitter and sweet.


There are those who say you are too much for me - that you're wrong for me in so many ways. They blame you for stunting my growth as a person, they say you'll discolor my teeth and speed up my heart with your wild dose of caffeine. But, baby, true love is supposed to make your heart race. Those naysayers are simply jealous of the purity of our feelings and I refuse to give in to their pedantic propaganda.


I accept you with your flaws, as you accept mine. Even when I've been unfaithful to you - indulging in the fleeting temptations of tea or soda or milk - you've stayed true to me. Despite your timeless popularity in society, you remain humble and available and I know you always will. When I meet with you - morning, night, or during those impromptu rendevous we sometimes have in the middle of the day - I know I'm in for delight, whether you're feeling hot or cold, bold or mild. You offer exactly what I need.


Dearest mud....I'm grateful that you're a part of my life. There's simply no replacement for you. I look forward to growing old with you by my side. Love, Dawn

Knock-Knock, Who's There?

Noah's Ark! Click www.worldviewweekend.com read the article about an expedition finding what appears to be chunks of the ark, as well as evidence of pottery and other such artifacts.
Personally, I really hope this pans out. Nothing annoys me more than hearing people say that the Bible is mythical and this would be one more slice of evidence that the Bible is HISTORY that HAPPENED.
Even more than that point, I just have an interest in the ark and the backstory there that we can only imagine (which I did in my first novel, Earth Undone. Um, no need to rush over to Amazon to buy it. It's currently unpublished. :) But if that ever changes, feel free to do the rushing and buying!).
John Kasich did a special report on this last Saturday night on Fox News, which I missed. I'm hoping to see more about this in the near future....I'll keep you updated!

If You Give A Mom A Cookie

This is in the June 2006 edition of Parenting magazine. I LOVE it because it is ABSOLUTELY correct!

If You Give A Mom A Cookie

If you give a mom a cookie,

She's going to want a latte to go with it.

But before she gets a latte, she has to find her toddler's pink ladybug boots.

To find the ladybug boots, she has to venture into the playroom.

When she tries to straighten up the playroom, she finds Daddy's left shoe, the salad bowl, and an open package of graham crackers. She also finds her cell phone.

So she'll yell at her toddler about the cell phone and wake up the baby from his morning nap.

But if she goes to pick up the baby, the cell phone will ring.

When she answers, it'll be the doctor's office reminding her that she had an appointment this morning and would she like to reschedule, say, sometime in November?

While she's trying to mentally re-create her calendar, the baby will start to cry.

Then her toddler will run in to see what's the matter and find the graham crackers.

When she finds the graham crackers, there'll be crumbs all over the playroom.

So the mom will get the broom from the hall closet and notice that Daddy forgot to buy diapers last night, as she asked.

But she will find her toddler's pink ladybug boots.

And when she finds the pink ladybug boots, she'll remember her emergency stash of diapers in the car.

So she'll wrestle her toddler and her baby into their car seats and drive to the store to buy more diapers and milk.

While she's buying the milk, she'll remember that she wanted that latte.

And if she manages to order her latte without a tantrum or poop episode from either of her kids....

Then she's going to need another cookie.

(Inspired by Laura Joffe Numeroff's If You Give A Mouse A Cookie)

Amen and amen.

Happy 50!

Yes, believe it or not, this is my 50th post. And to celebrate it, I'm going to share 50 random tidbits with ya'll that will be life changing and very, very helpful. Wisdom from yours truly.

Ahem. Clearing throat.

1. The best way to eat Oreo cookies is this - pour a tall glass of milk. Crumble cookies into milk. Eat with spoon. Enjoy.
2. If you're going to watch a DVD of The New World (Colin Farrell, Christian Bale), don't start it at 10 pm like I did last night. The movie is looooong. And you just keep watching to see if something earth shattering is going to happen. But it doesn't. The scenery is pretty, Pocahontas is an interesting character...but, really, how many times can you watch her run around and still care that she's running around?
3. Everwood is brilliant television and it is a TRAVESTY that it was cancelled. BUY THE DVDS.
4. Playing with play-dough is good therapy. But please don't wear that new perfume. Come on. Gross.
5. If you have a cavity that hurts like heck, don't insist on eating sweets. Hello, it hurts!
6. Read dooce.com. Funny stuff.
7. If you drink tea, drink it sweet. Take note, yankees of America! (And Disneyworld. I still think it's strange that Disneyworld doesn't offer sweet tea.)
8. Which reminds me. If you're pregnant and at Disneyworld, don't ride the teacups, ok? You WILL get sick.
9. Riding bikes on that compacted sand right next to the ocean is awesome. It feels like flying.
10. Go barefoot when at all possible. It's good for the soul.
11. Housework is best done to loud music that you can sing along to, such as soundtracks to musicals or Mariah Carey.
12. If you get the chance, work at a Vacation Bible School. Kool-Aid, songs with motions, kickball, puppets - what's not to like?
13. Disney movies rock. Old school films like Beauty and the Beast, the Little Mermaid, Lion King....and newer ones like Monsters Inc. and Toy Story are good.
14. When buying a house, make sure all the work is done BEFORE you move in.
15. If you have kids, read to them. They like it. Plus, it makes them smart.
16. Little Women? Love it. The book and the movie. Have Kleenex at hand.
17. Best Cereal: Smart Start, Special K / red berries, Basic4, Cocoa Pebbles, Booberry. Yum!
18. If you make your bed, your room automatically appears 85% cleaner.
19. Watch lightening bugs.
20. Make lists. They help.
21. Call your parents regularly. They love you.
22. My age! 22 that is. But not for long. Sigh. Soon 23 and then 30 and then 55 and so on.....
23. Being sarcastic to co-workers is great fun. Tell them you will do no work. Watch their eyes panic.
24. When at the movies, eat popcorn. It makes you feel like you're really at the movies.
25. GO ON VACATION.
26. Every now and then, treat yourself to a good breakfast. Eggs, bacon, biscuits. Waffles. Pancakes with strawberries. Chocolate milk.
27. Invest some time in the AMC and TCM channels. Worthwhile. Just this weekend I saw Pillowtalk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson for the first time. Classics are classics because they're quality!
28. If you run over enough curbs, that black piece underneath the front of your car will fall down and drag and then have to be pulled off. Trust me.
29. I don't get the whole Madonna thing. Really. I don't think she can sing. There. I said it. So what? So SUE ME, pop culture of the USA!!!
30. And while we're on that topic, I have to say it. Taylor Hicks? Really?
31. Those glow-in-the-dark stars are really cool until your grandparents sleep in your bed and the stars start falling off the ceiling and dinging Grandpa and Grandma in the head....
32. Avoid moving if you can. You lose stuff.
33. The CW network is a bad, bad idea.
34. Start an anti-tan campaign. Come on people, legs that haven't seen the sun in two years CAN be beautiful!!!!!! (Yes, I'm whimpering in the corner at the thought of bathing suits...)
35. Start a piggy bank for late fees at the library. It IS hard to get book back on time! It's kind of like fighting gravity or Lord Voldemorte.....(which may or may not be spelled with that e on the end, by the way.)
36. If your significant other or roommate loves to watch WWE wrestling and the like - just go ahead and break the television. All of them. You'll be doing yourself a favor.
37. Don't forget about board games! Friendly fun. (Unless there's cheating or trash talk. In which case arm yourself with darts.)
38. Goober pb&j is out of this world delicious. I'm talkin' eat out of the jar goood.
39. If you laugh while you discipline your kids, they don't actually get the point.
40. And I quote - "Alarm Clock bad Coffee good"
41. READ. For real. Just do it. It's like nutrition for your brain. Those people from school days that thought reading was dorky or dull? They were WRONG. These are the people who smash beer cans on their heads for fun. You're gonna' listen to their opinion of entertainment?
42. If you happen to like George Bush, have a stress ball near you if you read Anne Lammott's Plan B, Further Thoughts on Faith. She has very obvious issues with the president, and so if you do like him....there will be grinding of teeth in annoyance.
43. George Clooney is hot. Enough said.
44. Boiled peanuts. HATE THEM SO MUCH. Especially from the jar. It's disgusting and I figure a health hazard in some real way.
45. Plant a tree. It'll take time - ok, years - but when it's taller than you are, you'll feel quite accomplished. Plus, you're contributing to oxygen, which we all like.
46. If you go to church, don't talk about the preacher or his family. You think it won't get back to him or his feelings can't be hurt? It will and they can.
47. Snap green beans or shuck corn (but watch out for the eeny green worms!). It's satisfying to take your food from raw nature.
48. Make-up is a tool used to accent, not a face mask. Be careful with that stuff. In some hands, it's a weapon of mass destruction.
49. The UNC tarheels- the only team that matters.
And finally....
50. Start a blog. Then you, too, can make long winded, pointless lists just like this one and there is no one to stop you or to complain.

When There Are No Easy Answers

Several people in my life are facing difficult circumstances right now - the kind that causes you to wake in the middle of the night second guessing God and feeling like the warmth of your daily, happy life has been stripped away - and appropriate for today's downpour of rain - your entire body has been doused with icy water. I can't think of the right words to say or the big picture - but this song sung by Natalie Grant (written by someone else whose name escapes me) feels fitting.

Held

Two months is too little

they let him go, they had no sudden healing

To think that providence would take a child

from his mother while she prays is appalling-

Who told us we'd be rescued,

what has changed and why should we be saved

from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

to us who have died to live

It's unfair

This is what it means

to be held, how it feels

when the sacred is torn from your life

and you survive

This is what it is

to be loved and to know

that the promise was

when everything fell,

we'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We wanna' taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow

The wise hand opens slowly

to lilies of the valley

and tomorrow

If hope is born of suffering,

if this is only the beginning

can we not wait for one hour,

watching for our Savior -

This is what it means to be held,

how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

and you survive

This is what it is

to be loved and to know

that the promise was

when everything fell,

we'd be held....

Named

When I was about twelve years old and at the height of my childhood akwardness (picture permed hair/big bangs/glasses/braces), I had this fuzzy image of the person I wanted to grow up to be. I wanted to be sophisticated, charming, stunningly intelligent. And, of course, beautiful just like Kelly from Saved by the Bell. Because, hello - then some Zack-like boy would fall in love with me and we'd live happily ever after in Paris.
As I grew older - sixteen, seventeen -, I still wanted to be all of those things. I just added in some other elements - I wanted to be successful, maybe famous, well traveled, and loving. Oh, and beautiful like Jennifer Aniston or Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman. After all, wouldn't that be the key to finding someone who would love me and even better, really understand me? (and if that person was Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, I'd be okay with it. :) )
In college, the list got longer. I had this idea that I'd like to be political, well versed in all literature, classical music, art. I wanted my world to be filled with books and music and beauty. And that longing that we all have for being understood grew. I actually found what I had thought was going to be a long time coming - love...but still, there was this nagging feeling that I could be better and different, that there was an intimate communion missing. I still floundered to pin down who I'd grow up to become.
Marriage and motherhood and a few more defining years have settled some of this searching - the things most important have come to the surface. Even more, I want my house filled with music and books and love. I've accepted that I'll never be Angelina Jolie (though my husband probably has not) and if I'm never on CNN lecturing for human rights - well, I'll get my opinions across one way or another, in God's specific timing.
I say all of this to say this: we all struggle to define ourselves, to figure out the woman or man that God intended us to be. And we all long to be known - truly known and understood as we are, even if we can't really see ourselves anymore or if those around us don't seem to see us.
I know that I unfairly lay this burden on those in my life, wishing they would 'name' me, to validate who I am.
The truth is - the amazing, hopeful, get me through dry spots and frustrating situations truth- is that the one who intimately understands me and loves me anyway is the same one who tenderly created me to begin with. And no matter how my images of myself change or how my life's requirements stick me in seemingly unbending roles, God still recognizes all of that dream stuff within me. He puts out steps so that little by little, as much as I can on this earth, I'll attain some portion of my desires, and be surrounded by friends that do see beyond the surface of my actions.
And in the life after this one - the life that's going to be so real - I will be exactly and perfectly who I need to be. There will be no more hesitation or wishes for change or cravings to wake up as someone else. He will give me the name that eternally answers the soul's yearning and aching. It will be the most intimate of knowledge - a sweet communion when He recognizes me as being changed into the glory of an eternal body, and still - forever - me. Just a new me, wholly the woman He has always intended.
Which totally beats even happily ever after in Paris.

"I will also give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name is inscribed that no one knows except the one who receives it." Rev. 1:17

Teeny Tiny Update

It has been a while - internet access has been hazy. In a nutshell, here's what you missed - boys got bigger, smarter, louder, faster. A cat adopted us and has now decided to help repopulate the earth (anyone need a kitten?). I started a new novel. And that's all I can come up with at the moment.
And, also, yay! for spring!

Christmas

It's about the cold, crisp air and an endless array of particularly shiny stars...it's the twinkling of lights and the smell of gingerbread...the feel of a warm mug of cocoa in your hands and the firelight reflecting on the faces of those you love...the sound of sacred notes ringing out the Carol of the Bells...the scent of Scotch-tape and the crackle of colorful paper being wrapped around gifts...the anticipation of watching your family and friends discover the present you picked out...the movies aimed directly at warming your heart...the cards that share sentiments not expressed enough throughout the year...it's the kind words and actions...it's children writing notes to Santa and leaving out a plate of cookies...it's Charlie Brown...it's ornaments and laughter...it's a tree covered with memories and children tingling with the mystery of it all...it's time earmarked for loving others.

But most of all, and most importantly - it's about a night that bridged the earth to Heaven. It's about a loving King seeing his people in need and deciding to take action. He wrapped himself up in the form of an innocent, vulnerable baby and entered our realm to live among us...so this most sacred of days is about a love - the love of Christ - that transcends our imagination and sacrifices everything just to win our hearts.

Thanks, Jesus, for the gift of You.

Merry Christmas.

Close Encounter

So my lunch was going well. Grabbed some chicken tenders and the remaining presents I needed. I was driving back to work when I ended up in a turning lane that I didn't need to be in. At the same moment a police car let me back into traffic, I realized that I did not have my seat belt on. So I'm sitting stiffly against my seat, going 'crapcrapcrapcrapcrap'. But I've NEVER been pulled over before, so I was just praying that God would forgive both my bad driving and seat beltlessness and let my clean record continue. But then he followed me into the next lane, onto the next road, and on my following turn. I was praying that it was a coincidence, praying with all my might, and then....
Blue lights.
Me, the girl with the out of date license and no seat belt on - oh. No. No, no, no, no.
So he gets out and mentions the turning lane incident, and then says - "but I pulled you over because your registration has expired. Can I see your license and registration?"
Me - meekly and shaking - "Yes, sir."
I hand him my license and take out the massive amount of car info from the glove compartment, hoping to find something clearly marked registration because I haven't the slightest idea what I'm looking for.
He stands there patiently and finally I say, "I'm so sorry to be such a girl. Can you tell me what it looks like?"
"It's a blue card."
"Oh." There is no blue card to be found and I just start to panic, saying all those wifely "I'm sorry, my husband usually takes care of this stuff' excuses.
"Is this your car, miss?" (As he looks into the backseat and I'm thinking, why didn't I clean out the backseat?)
"Yes, sir."
"When did you get the car?"
"Last October."
He goes to check my license, as it's so painfully obvious that I don't have that registration card.
And I'm thinking, I am in deep, mirelike, maggot infested crap. Because my maiden name is still on that card, along with my parent's address...and I've been married for three years, the car's registered as my new name, and I've had a million different addresses since I moved out. And WHERE IS THAT STUPID BLUE CARD?????
He comes back and I'm waiting for my fate, about to throw up on my steering wheel.
"Okay," he says, "You need to get your husband or whoever takes care of this to do it. Alright?" He uses this voice that clearly communicates that he is second guessing his decision to not give me twenty tickets.
Oh, the angels sing Alleluia!
"Yes, sir. We'll take care of it right away. Thank you."
He nods and goes back to his car and I am very close to hyperventilating.
He follows me almost back to work, and I'm so nervous the entire time. But I managed to keep the car on the road and escaped jail.
This is my Christmas miracle. Thank you, nice officer and nice God.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!

The hour draws near...it will soon be the day ofPilgrims and Indians, turkeys drawn from elementary school kids' hands with construction paper feathers, a parade through New York City ending with Santa, football games, the smell of pumpkin pie, the aching feeling of eating too much too quickly...oh, Thanksgiving - we love thee, o American holiday that serves all of our lazy, happy indulgences. (Of course, that statement is really for the men and children who do not have to cook or clean up after the biggest meal of the year. Bah, humturkey.) Still, I do like a chance to think over my particular blessings of the year. I have many. They're probably innumerable. So here are some things I am grateful for, the trivial and important...

The Trivial (just 11 points.)

1. Television Without Pity, for it makes me laugh and revels in my own loved television. And, quoting Carrie, the six degrees that lead from there to all the other stuff that I read on line for fun.
2. Friends on DVD. All ten seasons.
3. French Vanilla Creamer in my coffee. Coffee Mate brand. It's the good stuff.
4. A big bathtub to take bubble baths in.
5. Heated seats in my car.
6. Scented candles.
7. Charlie Brown. All the year long.
8. I have to say it. Milk and cookies. Or milk and brownies. Either will do.
9. Diet Dr. Pepper. You knew that was on the list, right?
10. My couch that is wide and pillowy and comfy.
11. Curling irons. For without it, there would never be a good hair day.

The Crucial

1. God's grace and love. Without that, everything else would drain down the pooper.
2. Christian and Sean - two healthy, amazing, happy boys. With all of my mistakes and uncertainties and paranoia...they still seem to be just fine. I'm so so so so unbelievably happy when I see their faces.
3. Neil. Because even with all of our ups and downs, we're still in love and can make each other laugh. He can still make my stomach jump with that certain wink and when he sings, I still feel that 'I have a crush' sensation...
4. Our house. :) I never expected to have a house, complete with a yard and garage and fun Narnia like street lamps so soon...
5. Carrie. It is so amazing to have a friend that understands...pretty much everything. We can send random emails, create alternate universes, commiserate over boys, ruminate the God-matters, squeal or yell over movies/tv/music/books...I'm grateful to have someone with whom I can relish all the good moments and make it through all the bad ones. For all the chocolate, for all the conversation, for watching grown-up shows on a Mickey Mouse tv, for letting small boys drool on you and pull your hair and chase your cats...thanks.
6. My family - my mom, whom I can call and talk to for forever about anything (sometimes in a little too much detail :) ) and my dad, with all of our random debates and deep questions, and just everything that they've given me - they shaped who I am and enabled me to handle this world. My sisters, who are fun and let me borrow clothes and cds and who put up with my crazy moods...my brother, who is sweet and talks city-like and is the best 8 year old uncle in the world.
7. The public library. Seriously. For letting me read so many books for free. With that - literature and writing. Without the world of books, I wouldn't be the person that I am.
8. Good jobs. Particularly my job that allows time for #7.
9. Music. I read something somewhere that we are essentially creatures of noise - down to our heartbeat and breathing in and out...and music touches that core part of us. It's a wonderful way that God gave us to express and feel our emotions.
10. Health and the beauty that is nature and food and medicine and America.


And finally....
This Thanksgiving, I hope that you do not...
Go onto the roof to see a giant cartoon dog balloon loose over the city and lock yourself out of your apartment with dinner burning, accidentally try a piece of pumpkin pie with Mockolate cookie crumb, get roped into a football game with a troll trophy prize that will last until death or frostbite, spend the day in a large box or kiss your ex-boyfriends son, reveal the truth about why you cut off your secret boyfriend's toe and have to put a turkey on your head to make up with him, make an English truffle with a layer of beef sauteed with peas and onions, make a bet that you will not eat dinner until you name all fifty states, have dinner with a guy from high school that founded a club - with the father of your child - based on hating you, forget to ride on the Macey's Parade float or have a fist fight with your sister or break a full box of wedding china reserved for the queen of England, arrive so late to dinner that you're locked out and then get your head stuck in the partly opened door and then when you're set free, don't knock Thanksgiving dinner onto the floor.

I do hope that you laugh a lot and eat a lot and smile. A lot.
Cheers!

catch it and pass it on!

The temperature has finally dropped. Saturday night I wore my pea coat. I've a few decorations on my mantle and I've done a bit of shopping in preparation for my favorite holiday. I've done all of this cheerfully, but not with the Christmas glee that usually hits me at some point during the season. And Sunday night, the Christmas spirit arrived at the most unlikely moment.
I was annoyed for various reasons, had put the kids to bed, and was washing dishes. My mom had called earlier to ask if I had borrowed her Jessica Simpson Christmas CD. I did borrow it, in the middle of the summer, and had forgotten about it. So I put it into the cd player to listen while finishing up the kitchen duties. And somewhere between Jessica and Nick crooning 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' and my favorite Christmas song, 'O Holy Night,' it hit me. The tingling sensation that you first feel as a kid and love to feel as an adult. Good will to earth and peace to men and such...angels and sparkles and the smell of scotch tape. Then yesterday I walked through a lot of real trees ready to be taken home...and that piney smell was almost enough to make me swoon. I busted out the Mariah Carey christmas cd - one of the best ever made. I've been listening to it, literally, every year since sixth grade. This year is even more special because Sean can say 'Jesus' and point to the baby in the manger in all of his Christmas books...he knows how to say 'snowman' and I'll let him eat a christmas cookie or two...and this is Christian's first Christmas...so we get a new ornament and stocking...we get to decorate our new house...we're having a decorating party with aunt Carrie...I'm just blissful with the holiday season. It's a celebration of Jesus and it's a celebration of family and friends. I guess that's why I love it so much. Everyone is supposed to be together and happy and loving. It's the rule. That's the way it should be all year long, but the time to do that just seems to disappear. I know I am rambling and sounding all Seventh Heaven...but that's just how I feel today!
So you're infected now. Whether you like it or not.
Tomorrow I'll get my holidays back in order and focus on Thanksgiving...(yay parades!)....

A Mommy Moment

From the moment I arrived home yesterday and was told that Sean had not yet had his nap, I was in mental preparation. I strategized. Feed the babies, bathe the babies, lure the babies to sleep. They were tired. It would, for once, have to work. Therefore, they were just the cutest doing all of the above. Christian gave me his toothy, appreciative grin with each bite of peaches, every spoonful of rice and broccoli. Sean started the meal with a 'yet's pray' and kept his squinchy smiley face on as he dove into his plate and ate his way back out of it. They were splashy and giggly through bathtime and semi-cooperative as they were wriggled into pajamas. I turned off the light in their bedroom, switched on the nightlight and snuggled Sean into his finding Nemo blanket. And (I admit it) turned on good ol' Monster's Inc. Nothing like a movie about monsters to get my two year old to snoozing. Christian and I sat there by Sean's bed on top of the kiddy table until, sure enough, Sean's hazel eyes closed and he started emitting the heavy breathing, slightly snorish sound that signals his slumber. As a bonus, Christian was rubbing his eyes and looking a little dazed. So I rushed to make him a warm bottle of milk, snuggled him into his bed, and ta da - out like a cute little light.
What to do? Two babies in bed and one mommy alone to do as she wishes. And then it happened. I did exactly what I wanted to do. I made hot chocolate and snuggled into my couch with a blanket and a book. This may not sound earth shattering to most people, but for me...it was like a little slice of heaven right there in my living room. Peace reigning in the house. I'm sure there were angels singing lullabys into my ventilation system.
And for about 15 minutes, that perfect moment endured.
After the 15 minutes? Well....Neil came home for work, I cooked dinner, Christian woke well rested and ready for action, and Sean woke up screaming like he was being attacked by five eyed, horned, winged elephants because he was SO mad to have opened his eyes, and I had to lie down beside of him -our backs touching, but only barely or the screams would reignite - to get him back to sleep. Total peace, total chaos.
As I was rocking Christian, I realized how much more I appreciate those peaceful moments now - and how much I appreciate the chaotic ones. Because as crazy as it might be sometimes, I know that one day these years are gonna' be like that perfect 15 minutes in my memory - and probably, I'm gonna' want them back.

Keep Walking

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way.

~J.R.R. Tolkien

There is nothing like...

~Watching a two year old being alternately afraid and fascinated by cats....touch and run, look and leap!
~eating brownies and criticizing television with your best friend...
~a ten month's old laughter echoing through the house because he is SO thrilled to be standing up beside of his big brother
~that same baby boy being sat in a tiny yellow chair and swinging his feet back and forth like a big kid, so excited!
~ when in the middle of Target, your own child goes boneless so that he is pure, immovable weight and then when you pick him up, screams out 'Help! Help!' Like he is being kidnapped.

appropriate quote

"Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue."
~Eugene O'Neill

Mr. Clean

Sean discovered over this past weekend the joy of writing on the walls. When I took the stray crayon away from him, he proceeded to pick up a toy of some sort and pretend it was a crayon. Thus creating scuff marks all over the place. So, I picked up a magic eraser made by Mr. Clean. Thinking, yeah right. No way it's as easy as the back of the box advertises. But sure enough, some water and a few swipes later, the damage had been repaired.


What I really, really wish is that someone could invent a magic eraser for the heart. I've been trying to sort out why it is that letting go of things is the most difficult feat we must master. Is time the ultimate healer, really? When touched, those briars clinging to my emotions still sting just as much now as when they were first stumbled into. When it comes to the hurtful things said to us or done to us by the people we love the most, is there truly a time when it doesn't hurt anymore or is the healing rather the ability to endure those remembrances and keep moving forward? Because there are certain things that - no matter what - will always, always hurt me. Will they always be gut-wrenching?
What I need to know is how to not let those things hinder who I am and the relationship that I have now. What is God's role in this? To help us deal with the pain or to take it away completely? Is it my own static cling that stops him from making it disappear?

My little journey is making progress, I think. If only to let me see myself honestly.
I see that to get anywhere I must surrender all things. Not just the convienent things, but also those that I would probably like to keep. Those that I justify.

I want to want to be like Christ. Step one, right?

Late Fragment

by Raymond Carver

And did you get what

you wanted from this life even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

Pilgrim's Progress

The last few weeks have been a wasteland of medicines and fevers and tissues and an intense longing to lie down. Always. And that means babies and me. We're on the upside now. At last. Breathing through my nose has ceased to be a constant struggle and the coughing only comes at the inconvienent times. Such as answering the phone, trying to sleep, or rocking a child to sleep. Or eating. Or now. Ok, so I still have a cough. But that's better than wishing to rip my head off.

So. I had a nice long talk with myself last night. It's no secret that I've been an emotional weeble-wobble over the last few months...year....years....whatever. It's just been getting worse, though - the inner angst of frustration, anger, weird sadness. It's just too easy for me to lose the happy spin on things. So last night I really said, ok. What's up with this? Where's that happy, peaceful, annoyingly optimistic girl that I used to be??
Here's what I figured out.
I realize that a lot of unexpected things have whirlwinded through my life in the past 3 years. I also know that my life has never been perfect. Though on a different emotional scale than the new stuff, I still had to deal with things....but here's how I dealt with it. I had a real, tangible relationship with God. And of course, I have a nodding acquaintance with Him now but it's not the same. I pray with the kids and whisper those 'please please help me' prayers through the day. And I think about God-stuff, especially when I write. But back then...I could unload my heart. I could write out prayers or sit in my bed and talk to Him. Like crying, ranting, telling Him what hurt talks. And I read that Bible. And used it. There was a real peace there - there was strength for the taking - and I took it. I truly experienced the way that God can sustain even through crap. There's that inner peace beyond understanding. It is totally possible for a circumstance to suck and yet be okay about it. It's the attitude towards the circumstance that matters.
I'm not sure when I lost that knowledge. Or at least stopped making it a part of my life. Probably about the same time that I started crossing the line of my standards in college and was plagued with a little monster named Shame. And since then...there have been things to happen that I can't change. Circumstances beyond my control that affect everything about me. And I haven't been able to deal with it because I've been unable to use the source of help that is RIGHT THERE.

I don't have a real, unchanging joy because I've been treating it like...like...like vegetables. Like I eat veggies every day because they're pretty good and I know I should. But I'm not head over heels for carrots. God-Time should be like chocolate, fudgy, warm, whip cream topped yum and a huge perfectly flavored French Vanilla coffee. In a bubble bath. With candles. And a fantastic book.
Basically, the thing I long for always.

So this is the time. The time to reacquaint myself with the God that I claim to live for and yet keep in the back of my life. It's time for a pilgrimage of sorts. I'm claiming this month as the month to concentrate on all of this.
And quite likely...quite possibly, get the most important part of myself back. Because, as it's been said a million quadrillion times, we are most ourselves when in tune with the one who made us who we are.

And here's something that I thought was funny. Euguenia Price was talking about how we expect God to fulfill our desires that we have come up with in our own twisted, not God focused ways...

She says: "God will not satisfy your neurotic longings.
He would be a fiend if He did."

But rather He fulfills like this...."For it pleased the Father that in Him should all fullness dwell..."

He is enough. And in Him we find the other things that are good and pure and beneficial for us happening...we find our real dreams realized.

I WANT THAT.

High

I am slightly intoxicated on the air this morning. As soon as I opened my front door and stepped onto the front porch, flashbacks started coming to me. It smells just like mornings in high school, when I'd get to school and we'd stand around in the courtyard until the bell...and then I'd rush off through the emptying cafeteria into the band/chorus room. Aaaaahh...and that particular angle of sunshine hitting us with that chill in the air brings me back to rushing out of the dorm at UNC just to have enough time to stop at the shop next door for a cup of coffee to desperately clutch as I walked to class...I miss school. Message to anonymous- I know it's not very fun right now but HOLD on until college. You're gonna' love it. You'll love the professors and notes and sports and having your own space...
And in response to your question, I have seen Casablanca. It is one of my all time favorites. "Here's lookin' at you, kid..."
Now I have been told to work. Later, ya'll.